Happy weekend, bitches!!
I don’t know what really inspired this ‘basic bitch’ alter-ego of mine, but the responses have been positive, so she will continue to spread her particular brand of sunshine to my blog.
The idea here is to be light-hearted, but also to take the fear out of some ‘scary’ recipes. Someone commented that my last recipe for risotto is not fast. Well, no, it’s not 5 minutes, but the point is it is MUCH easier than I think most people realize. The same goes for this recipe. It is actually much faster and much easier than I think you knew, and I want you to be brave enough to try it. Wanna know why? Because you a badass chefy bitch, that’s why!
When we go out for a bottomless mimosa brunch, what do we get in the restaurant, but would NEVER do home? What? Drunk? Nah, bitch, please, y’all know you do that ALL THE DAMN TIME at home. No, for me, it’s eggs Benedict, actually, eggs Florentine because I don’t eat meat. The brilliant brunchy millennials have brought us avocado toast and that is also a cool alternative or addition.
Right now, we can’t go out to brunch, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open a bottle of bubbly and make some fancy eggs!
So what are the components of these egg dishes? Let’s unpack this bitch, shall we?
There are four elements to all of these dishes:
- The poached eggs (these are eggs cooked in a water bath)
- A “topping” (ham, spinach, avo, salmon, whatevs ) or not
- English muffin
- Hollandaise sauce
Parts two and three are easy. You can add any topping or not and you can use any kind of bread or none at all. Let’s not overthink them. You just do you on that.
How can we duplicate this at home without so much fuss? How can be basic-bitch break this down? Let’s discuss the other two ‘hard parts’ that got your panties all in a wad.
Hollandaise is a bit tricky to make and takes fo-eva, but for me, what is nasty about it is the raw egg yolk. I just do not want to make and eat raw egg yolk. Gross. The other two parts of it are melted butter and lemon, and those are objectively delicious, so we gonna keep them. Ima show you how to make a cheat Hollandaise. I meant C-H-E-A-T.
And poached eggs are so much easier than you thought! I’m gonna show you how to make poached eggs to really wow that new flame of yours with breakfast in bed because who da fuck makes poached eggs? You, bitch, that’s who!
Of course, Ima share a secret with you. Ya ready? The secret is vinegar in the water! Mind blown, right? Pinky swear, vinegar is the secret to perfect poached eggs!
1 T (a splash) vinegar (any kind)
1 T lemon juice
1 pat butter
salt and pepper
Optional: toppings and bread.
For my version, Ima go crazy and do spinach AND avocado on multigrain toast.
Take a smallish sauce pan and fill it like 3/4 of the way up. My sauce pan took a beating the other day when I made something, so suddenly it looks all nasty. Just look past that, k?
You want it to simmer, but not boil hard, so adjust the heat to get that steady simmer going and then add like 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Don’t measure for fuck’s sake, just throw some damn salt in. AND…and this is key… about 1 tablespoon of vinegar. You also don’t need to measure, just splash some in. I used apple cider, but plain white is really best, red wine is fine.
You ready for the eggs now. I read somewhere once that you should swirl the water and create a whirpool. That shit don’t work. All I get when I do that is a mess of eggs in water.
Just crack your egg in a small dish, measuring cup, ladle, anything and tip it into the water. Add another. You could do this four at at time in a larger pan. If you a brave bitch, more.
If you have a lid, that’s helpful. As we’ve discussed, I violently HATE runny eggs, but some of y’all like runny yolk. If you leave the lid off, the tops of your eggs will stay supes runny. If you cover them, you can still achieve runny, but the top gets cooked too, and no one is eating raw eggs. This pan doesn’t have a lid, so I just use any lid that covers.
Note: If you don’t have a lid and don’t like runny eggs, turn them over when there is one minute left to cook that side.
Set a timer!
2 minutes: really runny yolks and soft whites (gag)
3 minutes: soft yolks and probably still a little runny
4 minutes: firm yolks, dark in color (perfection)
5 minutes: Solid yolks, pale in color
If it boils over at all, turn the heat down, it’s too high, and try to crack the lid a bit.
There is no reason to go more than five minutes, people. They done! Use a slotted spoon or spatula to take them out and put them on your plate, toast, toast plus topping, whatever.
I cooked some spinach (you can saute, boil, steam, microwave) with salt, butter and a bit of lemon juice and smashed some avocado with salt and lemon.
If you’re using a bread, be sure to toast it and spread butter on the toast to melt it. Then add your avocado and/or spinach and/or salmon and/or ham and then put your egg on top.
Next add salt and pepper on top.
To make the fake-ass Hollandaise, you just add a pat of butter and let it melt over your hot egg and add about 1/2 teaspoon of fresh lemon juice. Just squeeze halfa lemon over. You have also added butter, lemon and salt to other layers, so you got flavor all the way through!
And you are done!
How fresh and pretty does this look? I KNOW it is not exactly the same without Hollandaise, and you can still do that if you want, but this is a super fast, super easy and super-healthier version. So, just chill with the negativity. Drink your Champagne, bitch!
I cooked mine for 4 minutes and you can see just the tiniest bit of runny yolk left.
That’s it. I totes hope that you try this because once you do, you may never boil an egg again!
You like this ish? Follow me, biatch!
Want a variation on the bottom? Try polenta!
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