Basic-Bitch Omelette

I seriously do not understand how so many people fuck up omelettes. I’m not talking about you; you basic. You don’t know any better, and no one ever showed you. I mean like cooks and chefs and like literally everyone FUCKS UP OMELETTES, and they are easy!!

I hardly ever order an omelette out because I know it will be one of two things that omelettes, and really, eggs  in general should never be:

  1. Runny
  2. Burnt

And some superstars manage to both have the outside burnt and the inside runny. The very idea of this makes me throw-up a little in my mouth. Ew.

Look, if you like your yolks runny, or god forbid, your whites all jiggly on a fried egg, fine. I mean, it’s disgusting, but whatever. But does anyone on earth actually like runny scrambled eggs or omelettes? And burnt eggs are just foul.

I’m going to teach you how to make a fool-proof basic cheese omelette. You can add whatever you want, and I’ll tell you how to do that too, but this is like a 5-minute recipe…slightly more if you grate your own damn cheese.

People always want to know the “secrets” to recipes. You know what, most don’t have fucking secrets because they are RECIPES. But if you want to be an asshole and not tell anyone how you make your perfect omelette, here is the secret: the pan.

The most important ingredient in an omelette (other than the eggs), arguably, is the pan.

1.) It CANNOT be cast iron (top left photo). Sweet Jesus, I love me some cast iron, but an omelette will stick like a mo-fo to than ish and you will end up with burnt scrambled eggs. Don’t do it.

2.) Same goes for that stainless steel pan (top right). I love my big-ass stainless steel Calphalon pan, but not for scrambled eggs or an omelette. Fried, fine, but this post is not about fried eggs, is? No. Sit down.

3.) Flat does not work (bottom left). It’s why I hate diner omelettes. You cannot make a successful omelette on a large, flat surface. If you are in a diner, order the fried eggs. That is what they are good at!

4.) I have this fancy-ass copper pan (Bottom right) my mother bought for my sister-in-law, and she handed it off to me. From what I can tell it is not much good for anything, but least of all omelettes.

“So,” you ask, “what kind of pan CAN I use, bitch?!?!?!”

I’ll tell you. You MAY need to buy one. If you plan to make omelettes or anything that you don’t want to stick, you need to invest in a pan with some sort of a non-stick surface.  They say Teflon causes cancer or some shit, but it you don’t believe the hype, that’s a good choice. There are brands that make non-stick that is not Teflon. I have this Calphalon pan that is “Hard-Anodized.” I don’t have a fucking clue what that means, but it looks like this and I don’t think it causes the C word:

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I only have the one size and not entire set of these things. They are expensive as hell, and I’m not bloody Martha Stewart, am I? If I’m making a frittata for a crowd, I might use that one. When I’m cooking for just me,  I’m in love with this ceramic coated pan:

Cue the angels: Aaaaahhhhhhhhh

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I don’t even know what brand it is, but fuck, nothing sticks to it! You honestly barely need to use oil. I do because fat is awesome and honestly, with omelettes, if any little bit sticks you are totes SOL, so best to be safe.

You also need two tools. A scraping spatula and a flipping one. They need to be plastic, or better yet, silicon, so they don’t melt. Metal will fuck your nonstick pan all up.

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We’re going to make a cheese omelette, so there are basically two ingredients: eggs and cheese, but you also want salt & pepper and some cooking oil; any kind of oil is fine.

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What kind of cheese? I mean if you are basic as fuck, a slice of that orange shit in cellophane is actually kind of perfect. I went with a shredded Mexican blend because it’s Sunday morning, and I can’t risk grating my fingers before coffee. I firmly believe you can never go wrong with cheddar. I don’t love the texture of mozzarella in an omelette, but there are worse choices (blue cheese comes to mind. Fucking nasty). If you’re like a bougie bitch, brie or Camembert is probably tasty, but you best have some croissants with it. Can’t be serving brie omelettes with some wonder bread shit.

At the end, I will tell you how to add other toppings if you want.

The video below shows the whole process, so you can see what I’m talking about. 2:36 total!

Put a bit of oil in the pan, which you want on a medium to medium-high heat. You don’t want it to be like smoking and set off your smoke detectors and wake-up the rando in your bed, but you also don’t want to pour eggs into a cold pan because there’s a high risk of stickage if you do that, even with a great pan. You should feel the heat if you hold your hand over the pan. Don’t touch the pan dumbass! I said OVER it!

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While the pan is heating, crack your two eggs into a bowl, add salt and pepper and beat. A lot. Get all your frustrations out on the fact that you know you totally have no one in your bed right now (who are you kidding!?!?) on the eggs.

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There are some differences of omelette opinions at this stage. Some believe you should add milk. I say, fine, but like AT MOST a tablespoon. You’re not making flan for crying out loud. I actually do love a bit of real cream in mine, but again a tablespoon. Some chefs say that fizzy water helps make them light. I mean, I guess, maybe, but water in eggs? Again, try a splash if you are nursing a hangover and sipping on La Croix, but probably not passion fruit flavor. Some super bougie bitches actually say to use Champagne, but they also put caviar under their eyes at bedtime. I say save the Champagne for your mimosa, but hey, wanna splash some in? Go big, baby! I have even read some chefs just add just plain water. The idea of all of those liquids, I think, is to like break-up the viscosity (look it up, genius) of the egg, but I have never noticed a real difference in my totally unscientific experiments, and my omelettes are delish as is. I’m SURE Alton Brown could give us an answer, so maybe someone call him.

NOTE: If you are adding toppings such as spinach, ham, mushrooms, tomatoes (maybe), now is the time to do it. I will discuss more at the end.

Pour your beaten, even frothy eggs into your hot pan and then let them settle for like 10 seconds. You want the edge to develop just a little.

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Some losers leave them to just sit here and cook. This results in a burnt bottom and the top never really cooks. I have a better way.

You want to create fluffy layers in your omelette, so you’re gonna take a rubber spatula and press back the edges and let the egg run in to fill it. This really is EVERYTHING.

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Keep going until you have created lots of layers and there is nothing runny left on top.

This next part is where I also differ dramatically from some cooks. A LOT of people put their cheese and toppings in now. What this results in is what I said before: Burnt and wet! The inside never gets heated, so you have runny, uncooked, beaten egg. OMG. I am gagging just thinking about it. Sorry to be so gross.

AND the other side has spent so much time on the heat, it is brown and icky. I, personally, do not like anything but pale yellow for my omelettes. No golden brown, no orange. I want my omelette to look like Homer Simpson.

If you have put a shit ton of toppings, at this point, flipping is harder, but as long as you have a high enough egg-to-topping ratio, you should be ok.

So, the top is wet, but no longer runny, the bottom is cooked, but not burnt, for the love of all that is holy.

If you’re feeling super cool, flip it with a quick wrist action without a tool. I have done that with success, I have also ended up with egg all over the damn stove. Again, toppings (especially tomatoes) make this style of flip that much harder. AND if you have made a bigger omelette with more eggs in a bigger pan, this is basically a disaster waiting to happen.

You’re no fool, so you’re gonna use the second plastic spatula. Get under the center and flip!

If you’re making a big omelette, chances are high that it breaks. That’s okay. Calm the fuck down. It’s just breakfast! Just piece it back together and your cheese will help to glue it. All is not lost, I promise!

Add your cheese ASAP! Put as much or as little as you want. You can add toppings like avocado, salsa or tomato at this point

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Fold the omelette over itself.

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Cook it for like 20 seconds and then flip.

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Cook for 10-20 seconds more or until you are pretty sure there is no more running egg (I’m gagging again) and that your cheese is melted.

Take it off the heat. NOW!

Here it is from start to finish complete with some super awesome 1970’s muzak offered in my basic-bitch video editor!!! (I paid $98 just now so I could insert actual video, so y’all better make some damn omelettes!)

You have a fluffy, perfectly cooked, only-thing-runny-is-the-cheese omelette, bitches!!

I put mine on toast with ketchup, obviously. Only communists don’t put ketchup on eggs, but if you are all carb-free, you can skip that part.

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OPTIONAL TOPPINGS

I get it. Plain cheese might be just a bit too basic. No problem. There are two points in the process when you can add toppings.

  1. First is before the eggs.  Best toppings for this moment are:
  • Meat or meat substitute
  • Spinach
  • Chopped onion
  • Sliced mushrooms
  • Chopped peppers
  • Cubes of tofu
  • Tomatoes* (more on this later)

Simply saute the toppings in the oil and then spread them out evenly in the pan. Add the eggs and proceed as above. You need to make sure you have enough eggs to bind the toppings or it is real tough to flip, so go easy on the toppings.

2. Second moment to add toppings is with the cheese after you have flipped. This is when you want to add toppings that don’t really want to be cooked such as:

  • Salsa
  • Avocados
  • Olives
  • Tomatoes*

A NOTE ON TOMATOES: Okay, I love tomatoes, I do, but I find them kind of fucking annoying in omelettes.  If you put them in the pan with the other  vegetables first, they create added liquid, so you end up with runniness, but it isn’t necessarily the eggs. De-seeding them helps here, as does cooking them longer, but then you basically have made tomato sauce. If you put them in at the end, you have this cold topping in hot eggs. Avocado gets a pass here, but I don’t love cold tomatoes inside. Point being, you decide what you want to do with your tomatoes if you choose to use them, I am just warning you that they are the more challenging of the toppings.

And that is it. The perfect omelette that is quick and easy. This goes well with the basic-bitch pancakes. Now go forth and conquer breakfast, my friends!

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