Basic-Bitch Popcorn

(Video version at the end)

Happy Friday!! Not that it matters. Y’all are either working because you are very essential medical professionals, grocery store employees or delivery drivers, in which case you aren’t reading this because you are either saving lives or sleeping. And may I just say, “Thank you!!” OR, you’re at home all day every day questioning your decision to have children and pondering the notion of not being quite as “essential” as you had previously thought. But whatever, it’s Friday and we seriously ain’t got shit to do. Cheer up!

During this time of quarantine and social distancing we are all doing a lot of Netflix and try-to-to-kill-your partner and kids. (You will be shocked to know that I am a single so no one is in grave and immediate danger.) What goes better with binging Breaking Bad than popcorn?!?! Nothing. I mean, probably some methamphetamines if you were going all method viewer, but maybe let’s don’t, hey?

Popcorn. Pretty damn basic, but y’all stick a bag of chemicals in the microwave and then you burn it and then you have to throw out the microwave and move because the smell literally never goes away.

These are apocalyptic times! We need to get back to basics! We need to remember a simpler time before we had microwave popcorn and Netflix! We had to make popcorn on the stove and adjust the tracking on the VCR!

Wow…we’da been fucked unless Blockbuster was considered an “essential business,” which I would argue it would have been. But I digress…

Popcorn on the stove is easy, healthy, fast and oh so cheap, and let’s be honest, that stimulus check seems a bit like wishing for a Unicorn. Anyone can make it, and if you burn it, you probably don’t even need to throw out the pan. Honest. Plus, your kids won’t radiate their brains staring at the microwave from 1 inch away. They say that doesn’t happen, but do you want to test it?

Also, you can add whatever you want to this to make whatever fancy-ass flavor you want. I’ll even give you some ideas.

You need a pan and a lid. I promise, you do not want to do this without a lid that fits on the pan, although it would probably be hella fun to watch your dog lose his shit over popcorn flying all over the place!

You need three ingredients:

  1. Popcorn. You can seriously buy like a 1/2 a pound for like $0.99 at your nearest grocery story, and you can make popcorn every night for the rest of the quarantine. I know you have probably never seen unpopped popcorn not in a microwave bag. It looks like this, but any brand is fine:
    Annotation 2020-03-29 190528
  2. Cooking oil. Something basic: corn, canola, vegetable or soy. Not avocado, not peanut, not olive.
  3. Salt. Optional. Not optional. Literally who eats popcorn without salt? Damn.

As always, there is a secret and with this there are two. You must:

  1. Make sure the pan is the right temperature. How? Ima tell ya. Chill!
  2. Pay attention. Get off your damn phone for 3.5 minutes. Kim and Kanye will be there when you get back and they won’t miss you. Promise!

How to pop popcorn. 

  1. Put about a tablespoon of oil in the pan and put it on medium-high heat.
  2. The secret is this: put in 2-3 kernels and put the lid on and give the pan a shake.
  3. Wait. If it pops in a few seconds and starts smoking, take the pan off the heat and turn down the heat a tiny bit and then go on to step 4. OR If you are waiting for over 2 minutes, turn up the heat a bit and then once it pops, go on to step 4.
  4. Once you have popped those kernels and adjusted the heat, add about 1/3 of a cup of popcorn to the pan and put the lid on it. You can do more or less, but you don’t want to put more than a single layer in the pan. Popcorn needs to social distance too, people!
  5. DO NOT LEAVE THE STOVE. OMG. DO NOT.  It’s like 2 minutes of your life.
  6. Shake occasionally and listen to it pop. Once it stops, take it off the heat, pour it in a bowl and sprinkle with salt.

Eat it all. It does not keep well, and you will be amazed that however much you make, you will finish it. It is high in fiber and has like four calories, so you’re fine!

Toppings ideas:  

  • Butter, obviously. Melt some and pour it over and then add the salt.
  • Everything Bagel Spice. This is the best topping ever.
  • Nutritional yeast if you need to cut back on salt/sodium
  • Garlic powder because why the hell not?
  • Fresh or dried rosemary (chopped up tiny) and Parmesan cheese. (This is da bomb!)
  • Salt and brown sugar (like kettle corn…kinda)
  • Cracked black pepper

Here’s the video version for you.


And now go snuggle up on the couch and enjoy the show!

You like this ish? Follow me, biatch!


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